


Sweet Home Georgia

by Gwendolynn_C



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Biphobia, Bisexual Character, Bitty opens a bakery because of course, Christianity (positive outlook on religion), Coach is a dick so watch out for that, Coming Out, Divorce, F/F, Fluff, Found Families, Homophobia, I'll add other tags and warnings as they come, M/M, Starting Over, character refers to himself with the f-slur, supportive mothers, unsupportive fathers, use of the f-slur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwendolynn_C/pseuds/Gwendolynn_C
Summary: Suzanne Bittle never thought her life would end up this way. She never thought she'd live for over twenty years in the closet. She never thought she and her son would have so much in common. She never thought she'd get divorced. She never thought she'd move away from Georgia and definitely never thought she'd move to New England.She never thought she'd fall in love again.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Today's my birthday so I'm treating myself by posting the first chapter of this fic I've been working on for months. Just a few disclaimers (I know I don’t need to do this because it’s my writing and I can do what I like but I’m paranoid)
> 
> \- George’s age is mostly unknown in canon. I’m putting her at mid to late 30s  
> \- In canon I really hope Coach Bittle ends up being a good person. In this fic he is *not*  
> \- Happily queer Christians and happily Christian queers are just really important to me for personal reasons, so this fic features that. If that makes you uncomfy I totally understand

Suzanne felt as though nothing existed but her formal dining room: not the cicadas buzzing outside in the the sweltering heat, not the Samwell Diploma resting proudly on the mantle, not her wooden chest of childhood memories hidden away in the attic, not a damn thing. She felt like she was suffocating in the tense silence that no one had dared broken since Richard had said those ugly, ugly words in response to their beautiful son.

“Dad, I-” Dicky began. And he had  _ just  _ started calling his father “Dad” again, after years and years of calling him Coach like he was on par with Richard’s football players instead of his own flesh and blood. He cleared his throat and began again. “I think we all just need a moment to process everything and then -”

“It’s not up for discussion, Junior.” Richard interrupted. “I will not hear such foolishness and immorality at my dinner table.”

And that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back or rather that was the insult that finally broke her baby and brought tears to his big brown eyes.

Suzanne stood up. “Richard you need to leave.”

Both her son and her husband stared at her in open mouthed shock. She could feel her heart racing and took a deep breath to keep her voice from shaking. Dicky was such a strong boy but right now he needed his Mama to be strong for him and Suzanne would be damned if she let him down.

“I’ll give you five minutes but you need to leave and find somewhere else to sleep tonight. You need to cool off before you say something you’ll regret and risk hurting Dicky, and me, even more than you already have.”

Richard rubbed the left side of his mustache, a clear sign that he was confused with her and trying to find the right words to calm her down and fix everything quick and easy. “Suzanne, I’m not sure what it is that you’re talking about-”

“And that’s why you need to leave, Richard. Just for the night. Please, just, please. It’ll be for the best if we get some space from each other.”

Richard looked over at Dicky, the first time he had since those earth-shaking words had passed their son’s lips “I’m gay. Jack and I are in love.” Dicky wouldn’t look his father in the eye, he just stared down at the table, tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

“Alright.” Richard stood, grabbed his wallet and keys from the table by the door, and left.

She heard the familiar sound of his truck pulling out of the driveway and she remembered that she was still standing and sat down quickly. 

“Mama you didn’t have to ask him to leave.” Dicky’s voice cracked a little and Suzanne bit back tears of her own.

“Yes I did, baby.” She rubbed her face, suddenly exhausted. “I want you to know that I disagree with him completely. I love you, always have and always will. And I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found love, especially with such a nice boy as Jack. I’m real proud of you, Dicky, for coming out to us and I just wish it could have gone better. I’m so sorry. I thought - I really did think your Daddy was getting more accepting.”

“Me and you both.” Dicky replied, his voice hard and hurting.

“I am so, so sorry. I should have talked to him, I should have-” And now she’s crying too and Dicky’s out of his chair, wrapping his arms around her like  _ she’s  _ the one that needs comforting.

“Oh, Mama. It’s not your fault.” Dicky soothed through his tears. “Please, don’t blame yourself. I’m really okay. It’s all gonna be fine.”

Suzanne hugged him back and let herself cry for a few long moments before squeezing her baby once more and shaking off her sorrow.  “Now, I don’t know about you but I am completely uninterested in this pot roast. How about you and I make some pies and eat that for dinner?”

Dicky smiled. “Thanks Mama, but I’m not very hungry. I think… I want to call Jack if that’s alright.”

“Of course it is, sweetie, you take as long as you need.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and immediately set about clearing the table and putting the leftovers in tupperware. There was no use in wasting a perfectly good meal just because her husband decided to be a god-awful person.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that the space was just as much for Dicky and Richard as it was for her. She needed to calm down, to start thinking about things without anger or sadness but with love. It was the only way her family was going to survive this.

Dicky rejoined her in the kitchen just as she was rolling out her second pie crust, face blotchy but shoulders lighter than before.

“Watcha makin’?”

“This one is banana chocolate. There’s a peach in the oven. How’s Jack?”

“Upset. But we’re going to be okay. He wanted me to tell you and I wanted to tell you too, um, thank you. Thank you for accepting us, me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if  _ both  _ of you hadn’t and it just means so much to me. You have no idea.”

Suzanne smiled warmly, knowing she had a better idea than Dicky was giving her credit, but that was irrelevant. “Of course sweetie. Want to make the lattice for this one? You know you’re better at it than I am.”

Dicky picked up the pizza cutter. “Thanks.”

They worked in silence for a while and Suzanne enjoyed the familiar sounds of baking filling the kitchen, chasing out the lingering clouds of heartache and bewilderment. She and Dicky moved around the kitchen in perfect tandem, putting together a third pie, apple with maple sugar crust, Dicky’s new favorite.

“Mama, when did you figure it out?” Dicky asked, voice quiet but far calmer than he’d sounded since he arrived in Madison. “When did you know about me and Jack?”

Suzanne chuckled. “I didn’t know about you and Jack at all. I really just thought you two were good friends. I do think you two make a sweet couple. He certainly is handsome.”

Dicky’s cheeks flushed a bight pink. “He is, isn’t he? Lord, I… I’ve wanted to talk to you about him for  _ years  _ Mama. He’s a silly boy but such a sweetheart and yes, of course,  _ very  _ handsome. I wish-”

He shook his head and got back to work slicing the apples, and that just wouldn’t do at all. There had been too many secrets, too many things unspoken between them for too long.

“I didn’t know about you being gay either, Dicky. I didn’t even suspect really. If I had given it a moment of real thought I would have known. I just… I didn’t want to know. I ignored everything because I just didn’t want to think about anything being different. You deserved better than that. I am so sorry I ignored you.”

“It’s alright.”

Suzanne couldn’t look him in the eye, she just rolled out the pie crust with a little too much vigor. “No it’s not. I’m your Mama. I should have been on your side before you’d even figured yourself out.”

“I forgive you.” Dicky stilled her hands and wrapped her up in a tight embrace.

Suzanne held him close and knew that, despite the mistakes she had made in the past and no matter how Richard handled everything, she and Dicky were going to be okay. She and her baby would always be family and that was what was most important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that was sad. But it's a happy story, I promise! I have this fic about halfway finished so updates should?? be frequent?? (lmao don't quote me on that).


	2. Can I Handle the Seasons of my Life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Landslide" - I think Suzanne would be partial to the Dixie Chicks version

Suzanne sipped her tea and propped her legs up on the furry purple ottoman that she hated. Furry purple things, in Suzanne’s opinion, belonged in toddlers’ bedrooms and freshman dorms, not in the living rooms of bachelorettes who were pushing fifty. Of course she’d never actually tell Fran that. Her friend had opened her heart and home to Suzanne back in September, and she wasn’t so ungracious as to outright insult her host’s decor tastes. She had simply bought Fran a two year subscription to “Better Homes and Gardens.”

“Suzie!” Fran’s voice echoed through the house. “Did you bake another pie? My doctor told me today that I need to lose weight!”

“Did he really?” Suzanne scoffed.

“Yep, looks like I’m gonna find a new doctor.” Fran replied, plopping onto the couch next to her, plate of blueberry pie in one hand and glass of milk in the other. “It’ll be my third change since Doc Patel retired, the selfish old geezer.”

“I saw his wife at the store today. They’re taking their grandkids to Disney World for Christmas. I am so jealous of the warm weather they’re going to enjoy.”

“Oh that’s right, you’re headed up to Providence for Christmas, aren’t you? What day are you flying out? I’ll give you a ride to the airport.”

“I haven’t booked the flight yet. But I’ll get a taxi, don’t you worry.”

Fran rolled her eyes. “It’s not a worry or trouble or a bother. I’m your best friend, I’m going to give you a ride to the airport and then I’m gonna pick you up when you come back home to me.”

“You’ve already done so much for me.” Suzanne replied quietly, staring at her mug.

“And you’ve done so much for me over the years too, honey.” Fran set her milk and pie on the coffee table and wrapped one arm around Suzanne in a tight hug. “Besides, I’ve loved having a sleepover every night these past few months. Chopped and Wine Night is  _ so much  _ more interested with you here.”

“I’ve loved staying with you too.” Suzanne replied, returning the hug.

Fran pushed at Suzanne’s shoulder. “Now go call your son so you can book your flight! You’ve been procrastinating for days.”

“Alright, alright.” Suzanne went outside to the back porch before calling Dicky. He picked up on the third ring.

“Hi Mama, how ya’ll doing?”

“We’re doing well, how about y’all?”

“Really well. Jack’s stitches came out yesterday so thank heavens for that. And Tater’s been over for dinner four times this week, I think he’s planning on kidnapping me for my cooking.” Suzanne let Dicky talk, catching her up on the latest Falconer’s gossip and how his plans to open a bakery were coming along. Eventually he seemed to dry up on news. “Any news from Georgia, Mama?”

“Oh nothing much.” She replied. “Fran’s seeing a new gentleman. Apparently he travels a lot for work which suits Fran just fine. She’s always liked her independence. And the fabric store has managed to become the center of Mama Drama from the Moms at the preschool. Lord, I’ve heard more about potty training than I ever did when I was actually training you.”

Dicky chuckled. “Well I bet they appreciate the wisdom of an older Mother.”

Suzanne bit her lip. She knew how those young Mothers saw her: a cautionary tale, a fallen star. The ever-envied wife of the football coach now worked two jobs and had no future to look forward to. “Well, I think I provide lessons of some kind. Anyway, I’m calling you about Christmas plans. When’s-?”

“Oh yes, I’m glad you mentioned that.” Dicky interrupted. “I’m going to email you the flight reservations, just so I know we’re all on the same page. And I found a church for you and MooMaw to go to for Christmas service.”

Suzanne paused. “Me  _ and _ MooMaw?”

“Mama, church just… it’s not for me. Maybe it will be once I’m older but for now…” He trailed off. “And I know Church is real important to you and MooMaw so I asked around and George is part of a great community here in Providence.I know I’ve mentioned Georgia Martin to you before, she’s the assistant GM of the Falconer’s. She is so kind and welcoming and she said she’d be happy to bring you to her Church.”

Suzanne smiled widely because she knew Dicky would be able to hear it through the phone. “Thank you so much Dicky, that’s so considerate of you. I really appreciate it. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to call MooMaw now and just check in with her about the trip.”

“Sounds wonderful, send her my love.”

“Of course Dicky. I love you and I’m so proud of you. See you soon, bye.”

Suzanne didn’t waste a single breath after she hung up before she rang up her Mother. She picked up on the fourth ring and Suzanne was infinitely glad she wouldn’t have to leave a message.

“Mama, it’s Suzanne and I just had a very interesting conversation with Dicky!”

“Oh you finally called him up.” Her mother cackled on the other end of the line. “Took you long enough. Now tell me, how many pairs of long underwear should I bring to Rhode Island? Is it really as cold as Eric says or is he just being dramatic?”

“Mother!” She snapped. “Am I to understand that you went behind my back and invited yourself to my son’s and his boyfriend’s house for Christmas?”

“No. Eric invited me. When I heard that you were going up to see Eric and Jack for Christmas, I called up my favorite grandson, let him know how much I missed him and within five minutes we’d sorted it all out. You and I will be flying up to Providence for a week. I’ve already bought the plane tickets and made the hotel reservations.”

“You’re impossible.”

“What? You think I was gonna let you get away with avoiding me for Thanksgiving  _ and  _ Christmas in the same year?”

“Mama, you know I wasn’t avoiding you. I was just-”

“Avoiding your nosy sister-in-law. I know.” Suzanne could hear her mother’s smugness through the phone. “Did you ever think I wanted to avoid her too? I wasn’t about to spend another holiday listening to that woman accuse  _ me  _ of bad motherhood just because you and Richard got divorced. It’s not my fault he’s a-”

“We’re not divorced, we’re separated.” Suzanne sighed, nipping her mother’s rant in the bud. “And you can tell Elizabeth that if she has a problem with me she can say it to my face and stop complaining to you.”

“Ah yes, well that would be possible except for the fact that you’ve been avoiding your family ever since you moved out.”

Suzanne pressed a fist against her eyes. “I know, Mama, I know. And I’m sorry for missing Thanksgiving but-”

“Oh Suzie, take a deep breath.” Her mother soothed. “I know you’re doing your best. But I miss you. I miss Eric too. Not to mention that with everything’s that happened you need your Mama and Eric needs his MooMaw. Tell me Suzie, when was the last time somebody just held you?” Suzanne felt tears spring into her eyes. After several moments of silence her mother continued, her voice soft as a downy pillow. “That’s what I thought, far too long.”

Suzanne swallowed hard. “I- I’m not sure what to say.”

“Say thank you, sweetheart. I’m still here to take care of you, you know. You’re allowed to ask for my help.”

“I know Ma.”

“Good. And you know I’d never judge you, right? Not for a minute. You get your big and open heart from me after all.”

“I - thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, baby. I’ll see you for Christmas, alright? And don’t worry about paying for a single thing while you’re up there, not for the plane or the hotel or food or anything. That’s my Christmas gift to you, you hear?”

“Yes, I hear you. Lord, what am I gonna do with you?”

“Let me love you, child. That’s all a mother wants. Now take care of yourself and say hello to Fran for me. Let her know that as far as I’m concerned she’s family.”

“Thanks Mama. I love you.”

Suzanne hung up and dried her eyes. She placed a hand firmly over her heart and breathed deeply, just feeling her heartbeat and hope.

* * *

Suzanne held her son close, the noise and harsh lighting of the airport seemed to fade away and memories flashed through her mind of holding Eric before he could even walk, comforting him as he cried after being bullied at school, hugging him to celebrate landing a new jump, kissing his cheek good-bye that first time he went off to Samwell. She wanted to hold her baby and never let this moment end.

Of course her Mother would have none of that.

“Suzie you’re going to suffocate the poor boy.” Her Mother pulled Dicky away and looked him up and down with a critical eye. “Now let me look at you. My, but you’re a handsome young man. Are you sure you want to settle down already? You’re young, you should enjoy your youth and entertain as many boys as you want.”

“Moo-Maw!” Dicky placed a hand on his chest, seeming scandalized.

“Oh please. When I was your age I would see a different boy each weekend, I didn’t pay for my own movie tickets for years!”

“Well be that as it may, I’m only interested in entertaining Jack, thank you very much.” Dicky sniffed. “Now get your bags on this cart, I’m in short term parking.”

Dicky moved with a confidence she’d never seen when he was child nor when he visited Georgia as an adult. He caught them up on what he’s been doing the past couple of weeks and told them about tentative plans he’d made for their visit. When they were all packed up and on the road into Providence, Bitty pointed out different places of interest and spots he’d been with Jack.

“And where is Jack, sweetie?” Suzanne asks. “I just cannot wait to give him a big ole hug.”

She noticed how Eric blushed and mentally congratulated herself on being a good and slightly embarrassing Mother. “He’s at the rink, Mama. And you’ll see him tonight. Actually, we were thinking of inviting a couple of friends over for dinner, a small holiday party. If you don’t mind, of course. I know you must be tired from travelling but Tater was talking to Jack this morning and he’s been a bit lonely it seems. And I promised George a raspberry-chocolate pie.”

“That sounds lovely.” Suzanne tells him, reaching over to pat his knee. “As long as we can stop by our hotel to rest and freshen up beforehand, we’ll be perfect. Right Moo-Maw?”

“Absolutely, honey.” Her mother agreed. “We’d love to meet your friends. And I’ll help you with that raspberry-chocolate pie, I’ve got these new dark and white chocolate glaze recipe. We’ll drizzle them over the top, make it look all fancy.”

* * *

The dinner was small, as Dicky promised, and Suzanne was relieved. It was a little hard to keep up with all the hockey nicknames - she kept mixing up Snowy and Tater and it was very weird to hear people calling her son “Bitty” but at least she wasn’t the center of attention. MooMaw took that honor. Her Mother had always been an extrovert, able to wrap a crowd around her pinky finger with just a few words and these men - large and tough as they seemed - gravitated towards her spot at the end of the table frosting sugar cookies. She welcomed them each with a hug and a butter knife, inviting them to frost as many cookies as they liked.

Both Dicky and Jack made excellent hosts, and Suzanne was grateful that her son had found such a nice young man. Jack poured her glass of wine and shooed her out of the kitchen, insisting that she was just as much of a guest as anyone else.

“Miss Suzie, have you met George?” Jack asked, ushering her towards a beautiful dark skinned woman in a smart red pantsuit. “She’s the assistant GM for the Falconers. I honestly don’t know what I would have done my first couple years without her.”

“Jack, you don’t give yourself enough credit.” George smiled widely and shook her hand. “Georgia Martin, it’s lovely to meet you. Jack and Eric have so many good things to say about you.”

Suzanne felt her cheeks pinken and decided to blame it on the wine. “Suzanne Bittle. The pleasure’s mine. My son mentioned you over the phone, I believe.”

“That’s right. Eric said you and your mother were looking for a place to attend service on Christmas. You’d be absolutely welcome at Annunciation. We begin at ten with a short nativity play, my nephews are going to be in it and then worship will begin after that. You’ll love the choir, my sister-in-law Sara’s a member and they’re planning a beautiful set.”

“Well now I’m excited, my church at home always does a nativity play too. Can you give me the address?”

George pulled her phone out of her pocket. “Why don’t we exchange numbers and I’ll text it to you, that way if you get lost you can just call me.”

“Okay.” Suzanne felt their hands brush as she took her phone and then handed it back with her contact information carefully input. “Um, so would you like to frost some cookies? You might want to get in there before the boys eat them all.”

“Sounds like fun.”

They found two free spots beside a hulking man Suzanne thought was Tater. George slid her jacket off her shoulders and placed it carefully on chair back. She scrunched her sweater sleeves up to her elbows, revealing a pretty gold bracelet adorning her wrist. 

Suzanne took a long sip of wine, rolled up her own sleeves and picked out a snowflake shaped cookie.

“Mama, this is George. We’re going to her Church on Christmas, Annunciation. George this is my mother, Ellie.”

Her mother grinned and handed George a clean knife. “Bless your heart, darling. We really appreciate it. When you’re so far from home, nothing feels more familiar than a friendly place where you can talk to the Lord.”

“I absolutely agree.” George began messily spreading white icing on a snowman cookie.

“So George, do you have any children?” Her mother asked.

“Oh no, I haven’t found my Princess Charming yet, as they say.” She replied. “Guess, I’m more a career girl. But kids are nice. When I settle down I might have one or two.”

Suzanne focused on dabbing blue icing on the tips of the cookie. “Well don’t listen to anyone who says kids are easier than they seem and that your should try for four kids in as many years, or whatever they’re saying nowadays. Eric was quite the handful when he was little. And then when he got so involved in ice skating, it was all I could do to keep track of him and his father. You know, for a little while, we were certain he was going to the Olympics. But I’m glad he found hockey, he loves it even more than he did figure skating.”

Tater nudged George. “You been to Olympics twice, yes? One silver, one gold.”

“Well that’s very impressive.” Suzanne exclaimed. “You went for women’s hockey?”

“That’s right.” George nodded. “My parents are both hockey nuts so me and my brother grew up with it. He liked it but I always loved it. I alway knew after I played that I’d go into industry on the other side of the ice somehow.”

“What drew you to the Falconer’s?” Suzanne asked.

“It’s honestly the best organization in the NHL, hands down.” George smiled proudly, like she was talking about her baby. Suzanne supposed she was. “I mean, I grew up South County so when I heard rumors the NHL was expanding to Providence I began snooping. Every time someone new joined the project, or something big happened I just knew I had to be a part of-.”

“George. Stop working! Is party.” Tater interrupted, smearing green frosting across George’s cheek with his knife.

“Tater, I am going to get you for that!” George laughed.

* * *

Suzanne closed her eyes and let the singing of familiar hymns wash over her. She’d loved Christmas since she was a child. As the year wound to an end, she wanted to show her love for friends and family with gifts and time and food. She wanted to take the time to reflect on the year and just place it in God’s hands - everything that happened, her highs and lows and triumphs and failures, the things she was proud of and the things she regretted - she found peace and comfort in leaving it up to a higher power.

Beside her, George Martin, along with her brother and nephews, sang and held hands. George had a lovely voice, a low tenor that was warm and smooth and strong. George smiled when she caught Suzanne’s eye and reached down to hold her hand and squeeze firmly.

“I’m so glad you and Ellie could come along with us.” George whispered, her lips just brushing Suzanne’s ear.

Suzanne just smiled and took her Mama’s hand in her free one. She wondered a little bit at how this small church in New England could feel so much like home.

 


	3. Be Sure Your Umbrella is Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Pennies from Heaven" - Suzanne loves Louis Prima and so do I

Suzanne laid back in the large recliner in Jack and Dicky’s living room. Apparently, this was “Jack’s Chair.” The one he sat in while watching tape and, most likely, while watching Dicky bake considering its clear view of the kitchen. He was out training with his team and Suzanne was just taking a rest after putting two more pies in the oven. Dicky was puttering around the kitchen, cleaning up and chatting with his Moo-Maw.

Suzanne gazed around the room, wondering at how such a plain, standard bachelor pad could look so homey. She knew it was all her son’s work and she glowed with pride at the thought, knowing this was something she’d taught him: how to make a house into a home. Everything from the curtains, to the carefully placed photographs Jack had taken of their families and friends, to the colorful cushions and throws made the space radiate love and comfort.

Suzanne was proud of her son for many reasons: he worked hard at skating and hockey, he graduated Samwell, he had plans to open a bakery with Shiloh – a friend from Samwell who had majored in business. He had friends who cared for him just as he cared for them. His relationship with Jack wasn’t easy, she knew, but they loved each other and did right by each other. His most amazing accomplishment though was that Dicky was proud of himself. He was unapologetic about who he was and what he wanted. Suzanne was frankly amazed at his courage to come out to his friends and then to his family and his plans to come out to the world as Jack Zimmermann’s boyfriend. If there was one thing Suzanne envied about her son it was his self-confidence. She honestly had no idea where it came from.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her mother tugging on Dicky’s sleeve, instructing him on the proper way to fold tea towels. She chuckled to herself, perhaps she  _ did  _ know where Dicky’s self-confidence came from.

His cell rang though Suzanne tried not to eavesdrop, she noticed that he yelped several times as he talked on the phone. He was all “goodness me” and “keep your shirt on I’ll be right there.”

“What’s that about, honey?” Suzanne asked. “Sounds exciting.”

“It was Shiloh!” He exclaimed, pulling on his jacket. “They thinks they’ve found the perfect place for our bakery. It’s not even on the market, it’s going up for auction in just three days but we can get a tour now. They’ve got connections with the family and I have to go right now! Mama, can you take the pies out of the oven when the timer goes and good Lord, where’s my hat?”

Suzanne giggled and crossed the room to where her son was struggling. His hat was caught in his coat hood and she pulled it out and stuck it on his head. “You’re shaking like a leaf. How about we let Moo-Maw take care of the pies and I drive you to this perfect place that’s going up for auction in just three days?”

“Oh Mama, would you?” His eyes widen. “That’d be perfect. Come on! We’re already late.”

He barely let Suzanne grab her own coat and purse before he pulled her out the door and towards the car garage.

The location really was perfect. It was close to the beach and the nearest Dunkin Donuts was three miles away, which, Bitty informed her, was a long way by Rhode Island standards. The kitchen was a good size, well equipped and up to standard. There was a nice grassy lawn in the back, perfect to set up some picnic tables and the café area was big enough to house a hockey team which was obviously the most important feature.

“The office in the back is just the right size for what I need. And it’s got a lot of natural light which I love.” Shiloh raved. “And the whole thing is wheelchair accessible which is like, a dream come true. Well, except for that apartment upstairs, those stairs going up are so narrow. But the realtor showed me pictures and honestly, there’s no point to it. What with you living with Jack and me living with my brother, it’s just gonna eat up the heating and cooling bill.”

Dicky took a more optimistic perspective. “Well it’s a nice size for a studio and the bathroom and kitchenette are in perfect working order. Who knows, maybe when we take on extra help someone will be in need.”

“Yeah, I guess so. But Bitty, do  _ not  _ invite anyone to stay up there for free. I’m not saying I’m gonna charge $5,000 a month for it, but we’re not a shelter either.” They shot him a pointed look.

“I don’t see why you’d think you’d have to say that..” Dicky sniffed.

“Cuz I know you and I know you like taking care of people.”

“Fine, fine.” Dicky waved them off. “But Shi, honestly, this place is  _ perfect _ . I love the hardwood floors in the front, it’s so pretty. And the kitchen and… wow! Have you talked to the bank yet?”

They nodded. “Oh yeah. Bitty, you know I hate to count my eggs before they hatch but with our seed money and the bank’s loan, we have a  _ very  _ good chance. This place could be ours.”

Suzanne doesn’t think she’d ever seen Dicky smile so wide in her life.

* * *

Dicky was too excited to go home right away so Suzanne drove around until she found a spot to park right by the beach where they could watch the waves crash against the sand.

Dicky unbuckled and just sat silently, taking deep, measured breaths for several minutes before he broke the silence.

“What if we  _ do _ get it, Mama?” He sounded helpless. “What if we get all set up and have a grand opening and then… poof. We can’t do it? What if we fail miserably and end up with nothing to show for it but debt and bruised pride?”

“Oh sweetie.” Suzanne reached over to squeeze his shoulder. “You and Shiloh have done such a good job preparing, I’m sure that’s not going to happen. Opening up your own business is a huge task and I know it’s scary but you’re ready for this.”

He chuckled hollowly. “Just because I’m prepared doesn’t mean I won’t end up a total failure. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people but it’s just so hard. Jack works harder than God and I know he struggles but look! Look at everything he’s accomplished! And Shitty – sorry, Mr. Crappy – is doing so well for himself in Boston. And Chowder, who I still see as my little frog, has already been called up from the minors. And Ransom and Holster bought a house! That’s how well they’re doing! They can buy a  _ house _ in  _ Boston! _ ”

Suzanne rubbed his back slowly, up and down, just like she did when he was a child. “You are a smart, strong and loving man, Dicky. I love you, and so Jack and Moo-Maw and all your friends, and that’s completely separate from what you do or don’t accomplish in your career.”

He sighed. “I know. I just… I wanna prove myself. Prove I’m good enough for – for everyone.”

“I can understand that.”

“I know it’s not true. But sometimes I just feel like, like the tagalong. Like the one who’s always gonna be just a few steps behind everyone else. Smart but not  _ that  _ smart. Good at hockey but not  _ that  _ good. Successful but not  _ that  _ successful. Baking is my thing, Mama. It’s the one thing I do that none of my friends can hope to compete against. If I fail at this… what do I have left?”

Suzanne took a deep breath, and sent up a quick prayer before she spoke,  _ God give me wisdom. Amen.  _ “Honey, life is just a series of adventures and when we start them, we never know how they’re gonna end. Some are victories and some are losses. It’s important to stop worrying about how other people will label your latest adventure. And, to a degree, stop worrying about how  _ you’re  _ gonna label this adventure one day.”

She paused. Dicky was staring straight ahead, seemingly mesmerized by the ocean and cloudy sky and the piles of sand and snow decorating the parking lot.

“My life’s had a lot of ups and downs. You know that. And I’ve just decided that I don’t care. I don’t care if this or that decision was good or not. Do I have regrets? Of course. But I made the best choices I could, given what I knew at the time. And knowing that has made me brave. Brave enough to know that as long as I’m at peace with myself at the end of the day, I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks of me.”

Dicky looks at her, mouth twisted into an ugly frown. “You’re talking about your marriage, aren’t you? That’s different. It’s not your fault what happened.”

“I know.” She answered honestly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to talk about myself.”

“No. It’s okay. I think I like it better than talking about  _ my _ life.” He laughed hollowly. 

“Look, Dicky. A lot of people look down on me now for leaving your daddy. And other people admire me for leaving. I don’t care. I’m at peace and life goes on and will present me with a lot of choices. I trust myself enough to make the right calls. And I trust my family and friends to keep loving me no matter what. And that’s more important than success or failure, you know.”

Dicky nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Thank you.”

Suzanne smiled. “Now, I swear I’m done lecturing but I just… I just want to check in. You said it’s not my fault about the separation. But you know it’s not your fault either. Right?”

“Yeah. I know.” He nodded but his voice was pitched just a little too high.

“We’d been growing apart while you were in high school you know.” She admitted. “When you went off to college it just became clearer that we don’t really have a lot in common anymore. And then, with him rejecting you so harshly, well, I’d known that I didn’t need to be married to him for a while. I guess that just showed me that I didn’t  _ want  _ to be married to him either.”

Dicky nodded. “It’s weird for me by the way. Half the time I don’t even think about it but then it hits me that you two aren’t in love or living together and it’s just very weird to think about.”

“It’s weird for me too.” Suzanne reached over a squeezed his shoulder. “But I have to admit, I love being single. I love being myself again, without him around. And I know we would have separated soon enough, even if you hadn’t come out. It was  _ our  _ decision and it didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“I know, Mama.” He sounded more convinced now. “And I’m glad you’re happy. Now can we get going? Jack’s probably already home and who knows what he and Moo-Maw are talking about.”

“Oh she’s probably just showing him the photos we brought of you as a baby.”

“What?!” 

Suzanne laughed and started the car.

* * *

“Mama. Are you proud of me?” Suzanne sat cross legged on the hotel bed poking her fingers through the holes of the knitted bedspread.

“Proud of you for what?” Her mama had already taken her teeth out and she spoke with with a slight lisp. “Asking the hotel for more blankets? Honestly I’d be offended if you didn’t. It’s freezing in here.”

“Proud of me in general.” Suzanne insisted, not caring if she sounded a bit whiny. You were never to old to whine to your mother. “Like… with what I’ve done with my life?”

“Of course I am.” Her mama snorted. “You’re an excellent mother. You go to Church every Sunday. You’re living situation is comfortable and stable. You have friends. You’ve never been to jail or done anything terribly immoral. You’re a good and kind person, Suzie. Why wouldn’t I be proud of you?”

“Because-” Suzanne bit her lip before deciding to hell with it. “Because I’m divorced! I’m forty-three years old and living in my best friend’s guest room. And she’s my only friend now because no one at my church or in my town will talk to the Football Coach’s homosexual loving ex-wife. And I work for minimum wage in a town too tiny to be on any maps. And I still cry myself to sleep all the time thinking about what could have been!”

Her Mama raised her eyebrows then stomped over and pulled her into a rough hug. 

“Yes Suzie. I  _ am  _ proud of you. Because for every bad or sad thing that’s happened, there are at least two good things that have happened. You have a best friend who loves you and has welcomed you into her home. You have an excellent son and a wonderful almost-son-in-law. And you’ve got your health and your brains and your pride. And you’re young and gorgeous and could probably still have a kid or two if you tried. You’ll find love again. Soon if you want.”

“But- but-” 

Her Mama pulled away and caught Suzanne’s chin her hand, forcing them to make eye contact. “If you’re unhappy with your life right now, change it. Stop crying about what could have been and find something you  _ want  _ to do and do it. You are powerful - powerful enough to change your sorrows into joys.”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“You’re welcome.” She pressed a kiss to her daughter’s head. “Now say your prayers and go to sleep. We have a plane to catch in the morning.”


	4. Resting in the Arms of the Great Wide Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Almost Home" by Mary Chapin Carpenter (My Mom *loves* Mary Chapin Carpenter and I always think about her when I listen to her music, so I decided that she'd be a favorite artist of Suzanne's as well)

Bitty Bakery’s Grand Opening was a huge success. When Eric called Suzanne up and asked her to come up for the few weeks preceding the event, Suzanne had packed her bags immediately. She and Eric had spent her first days home baking up a storm and gifting baked goods to their new neighbors. There was an elderly couple who owned a little bookstore right next to them and across the street two moms ran a consignment store together. There was a chocolatier, a kitschy tourism shop and a salon. Their neighbors were eclectic by Suzanne’s standards, but Eric and Shiloh didn’t seem to agree - she supposed she was just too used to small town Georgia. 

On the plane ride up north Suzanne had the idea to put together a few goody baskets to raffle off on opening day. One basket was filled with donations and coupons from their neighboring small businesses, another basket had gardening equipment with native flowers that attracted pollinators. The favorite basket was, of course, the one filled with Falconer’s paraphernalia. Jack was only too happy to get everything together for Eric. When George arrived with a bag full of merch the night before, Suzanne Eric and even Jack were up to their eyes in flour. George had simply laughed and gathered together the empty baskets and all the merchandise. She created the most gorgeous basket display Suzanne had ever seen and she made sure to tell her that at least twice in between thanking her profusely.

The busy, wild, fantastic, exhausting, exciting day was a success and she made sure to praise Eric, Shiloh and their small team until they were all glowing and yawning and heading out the doors.

“Mama, I can get that.” Eric said, trying to steal her spot at the dishwasher.

“You go on home now.” Suzanne told him warmly, standing up on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek. “You did so well today, honey. I’ll take care of the last of these dishes and lock up. Go home to your boyfriend and celebrate a little, just the two of you-”

“Mama!” Eric protested, cheeks going red.

“And get some sleep!” She chuckled. “You’ve got to be back here before the sun rises you know.”

“Alright, alright.” Eric hung his apron by the door. “Thanks so much for your help today, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too sweetie. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Suzanne sang to herself as she dried and put away the last of the dishes. She didn’t have a very good voice but darnit, she loved to sing. She was good at memorizing songs - once heard, always remembered - but she also just liked making up strange tunes. It was like letting her heart have a voice with no filter attached. She only ever sang like this when she was alone or driving in the car with just Eric or puttering around the house when only she and Richard were home.

Sometimes Richard would hum along, grab her around the waist and they’d dance around the house. The day she had found out she was pregnant, she hadn’t been able to stop singing Amy Grant’s  _ Baby, Baby.  _ She shouted the news to Richard the moment he came home from work and he had picked her up and carried her around the living room, singing along in his deep baritone.

Shaking herself free from thoughts of the past, Suzanne closed up the shop and walked upstairs to the little apartment above the bakery. Eric had done a nice job of dressing it up with the essentials: a double bed with dove gray sheets and several thick quilts for the winter months. The windows had yellow checkered curtains and the small living area had a table with four chairs and a dark red futon. The kitchenette was stocked with mismatched dishes and silverware he had picked up from a second hand store and Suzanne was charmed but the hominess of it all. She’d been staying here ever since she arrived, it was cheaper and more convenient than a hotel room, and Suzanne felt completely at home here.

She knelt by her bed and asked God to bless her loved ones, to bless her loved ones loved ones, to bless the Bitty Bakery and to bring comfort to anyone who was feeling alone or scared that night.

As Suzanne lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take her, she reflected on the weird little tune that still playing in her heart. It was upbeat and hopeful. If she was at all musically talented she’d try and put lyrics to it, something about new beginnings and happiness arriving like an unexpected kiss and how sometimes, a family is just two people who stick together no matter what and how that can be enough.

Suzanne decided to have a long talk with Eric tomorrow. She thinks he’d be glad but she doesn’t want to impose on him, doesn’t want to to be a burden to her son who was just striking out on his own.

* * *

“What are you reading?”

Suzanne was pulled from a world of crime, intrigue and violence by a friendly voice. She looked up to see George smiling at her, cell phone in one hand.

“ _ Beyond the Blue.  _ It’s a murder mystery. My guilty pleasure.” Suzanne replied. “ Can I help you with anything? I know I shouldn’t be reading on the job but it just got so quiet.”

George shook her head and leaned against the display counter. “Bitty is getting my box ready. I’ve found meetings always go better when there’s some of his baked goods at the table.”

“Oh I can believe that! “There’s nothing like some good food to sweeten up a person’s attitude.”

“So… have you ever read the book  _ Ella Minnow Pea?  _ It’s hardly a murder mystery, but it’s a quirky little book about this community that slowly stops using the letters of the alphabet one at a time. It’s very cute.”

Suzanne could hardly believe it. “That’s one of my favorite books! It’s beautiful and tragic and funny and thought provoking. Why do you ask?”

“My book club was reading it this month. You should come along to our meeting tonight.” George replied, her brown eyes sparkling. “It’s at my friend Daisy’s house, the girls are all so nice, you’ll fit right in.”

“Oh, well, I’m not sure-”

“Come on, Suzanne. If you’re nervous just bring a pie. Everyone will love you instantly.”

Suzanne studied George’s hopeful smile shrewdly. “Is this just you lookin to get a free pie out of me?”

“Maybe. Maybe I’m looking to get to know you better before you go back down south.” George winked.

“I-” Suzanne stuttered then began again. “That is really kind of you, George. I want to say yes but I’m flying back tomorrow. I was looking forward to spending tonight with Eric.”

As if summoned by his name, Eric came in, holding a large white box. “Here’s your usual Miss George.”

“Oh, thank you so much Bitty.” She handed her card to Eric and Suzanne turned back to her book while they completed their transaction.

“Suzanne.” George said her name, dragging out the last syllable like it was a song.

Suzanne looked up. She could feel her cheeks heating up a little. “Yes?”

“Text me the next time you’re in town. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Suzanne resolutely looked back at her book instead of watching George leave, she was a lady after all. She couldn’t comprehend a word until she heard the door close.

“George is so nice, isn’t she Mama?” Eric commented as he fiddled with the cash register.

“Yes, she is.” Suzanne replied, setting her book down and deciding to find something in the kitchen to wash. Lord but pretty girls were going to be the death of her.

 

* * *

Suzanne took Eric out to a movie after they closed up the bakery for the evening. It was an action movie with too many explosions and not enough dialogue but it reminded Suzanne of the kind of movies she and Eric would watch together all through his middle and high school. The theater was mostly empty and they didn’t feel bad about whispering to each other over the popcorn. They giggled over the flimsiness of the plot and when the hero took off his shirt for no real reason, revealing his abs, Eric leaned over to her.

“Well, I knew there was a reason I liked these kind of movies.” He whispered.

“Amen!” Suzanne agreed with a grin. 

She knew how odd it must be, after years of hiding himself to her, to speak so openly about liking men. She took it as a sign that their relationship had only gotten stronger over the past several months.

Afterwards they got ice cream. She wasn’t sure what tiny town they were in, but there were sidewalks that overlooked the beach and she and Bitty walked along them, just enjoying the cool night air.

“What’s on your mind, Mama?” Eric asked, nudging her a bit.

“Me? Oh, nothing much.” Suzanne shrugged but her stomach fluttered uncomfortably.

“No, I know that look.” Eric pressed. “I thought we said we were going to be honest with each other now.”

His words stabbed like pins to her conscience. She took a moment to just lick her ice cream and sort her thoughts. She was glad that Eric had inherited her ability to ramble, he’d be more likely to understand her inability to talk about this in a straightforward fashion.

“I guess I’m just thinking about how happy I am that you were able to find a fresh start and friends that love you for you at Samwell. And this bakery is a new beginning too and it’s going so well. For a while, I was worried about your future. I worried you’d struggle to find your way in adulthood just like you struggled in childhood with various hardships. But you’re doing so well for yourself and living a good life.”

“I’m grateful for all that too.” Eric replied. He didn’t prompt her to say more, but she could tell he wasn’t done listening.

“So a couple weeks ago Fran and I were watching HGTV and there was this woman. She was divorced and after her kids all moved out she bought this tiny house. It was only 250 square feet! It was a major downsize, as I’m sure you can imagine. But she found she didn’t really need a lot of her stuff to begin with and it really helped her find peace and meaning in that new stage in her life. I just… I thought it was a nice idea.”

“You thinking about buying a tiny house in Georgia?” Eric’s voice was sincere but she could see the amusement in his eyes. 

“Maybe.” Suzanne replied defensively. “I’ve been thinking about getting out of Georgia, actually. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. There are too many memories and I don’t feel like I fit there anymore.”

“Well you’re always welcome with Jack and me. And I mean that. Jack does too.”

“Really?”

“Of course, Mama. I’ve loved having you around this week and not just for your baking and kitchen skills.” Eric wrapped an arm around her shoulders in a half-hug. “Mama, I’m settled into a nice life, like you said. You should be doing things that make you happy, things you never thought you’d be able to do before. Try something new, take a risk. At the end of the day, I’ve got your back.”

Suzanne let his words hang in the humid air for a minute. She felt a little bad about letting her child comfort her, but Suzanne knew she’d remember this conversation forever - it was a moment when she was completely confident in the knowledge that someone loved her and cared about her. And that was special.

It was a risk, trusting in love, but what was life without risk anyway, right?

“Eric, the last thing I want is to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable so please, be honest with me. I’ve been thinking about moving here. To Providence. I need a fresh start and I would really love it if that fresh start could be close to you. I’m not saying you have to hire me or anything like that and if you preferred, I could move to Boston. Maybe. Those people drive like lunatics but-.”

“Mama.” Eric cut her off. They had both finished their cones and Eric pulled her into a tight hug. “Please move to Providence. Lord, I’ve been missing you like crazy these past years. This is like a dream come true!”

“Really?” Suzanne squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hold back her tears. 

“Of course, and don’t be foolish. I’ve been worrying all week about how I could possibly replace you. I’ll talk to Shiloh about getting the business side of things all squared away. Do you want to move in upstairs? It’s bigger than 250 square feet you know.”

“I would really love that, yes.” Suzanne pulled away from the hug to just look up Eric, at the handsome and caring young man he had become. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. We’re family.”

* * *

“Fran, I just don’t think it’s important for me to have my own lawyer.” She was talking to her best friend on speaker phone as she crimped the edges of a cherry pie. “Richard and I have used Allen ever since we got married for any legal help. He’s a family friend. Having him draw up the papers will just make both of us feel comfortable.” 

“Divorce isn’t supposed to be comfortable.” Fran protested. “Allen and Dick have been friends since they were teenagers. He’s  _ going  _ to be biased, he can’t help it. I’ve got a friend who will give you a nice rate, I promise.”

“I just don’t want to make this more complicated than it needs to be.”

“Trust me. This will keep it from being so.” Fran replied. “Now I’ll pick you up at the airport this afternoon and I’m treating you to dinner whether you like it or not. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow, honey. Love you.”

“Sounds good. Love you.”

Suzanne checked her watch. There wasn’t enough time to get the pie baked before she had to leave. Resigning herself to having to ask Eric for help, she washed her hands and found him talking with a customer. He looked like he was going to be a while.

She spotted Jack sitting at his usual table in the corner, sipping coffee and enjoying one of Bitty’s peanut butter and jelly protein bars over a book. She took the seat across from him.

“Miss Suzie!” Jack greeted her with a wide smile. “Shouldn’t you be on your way to the airport? Do you need a ride?”

“Oh I was just planning on getting an Uber. But could you do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve left a pie on the counter, a cherry one. It just needs to bake for, well,” Suzanne pulled an index card and pen from her purse. “I’ll write down the instructions here for you. Just bake it when you get a chance, it’s really not a big deal.”

“I’m honored you’re entrusting me with a pie.” Jack’s gaze was intense and serious.

“Well, Eric’s seemed to have taught you well.” Suzanne hesitated. “And… could you deliver the pie too? It’s for George. Georgia Martin.”

“Oh. I’m sure she’ll love it.”

“Well, she just helped out so much with baskets for opening day and, yes, well. I hope she does like it.”

Jack pocketed the index card and stood up. “I’ll make sure it happens. Now where are your bags? I’ll drive you to the airport.”

“They’re just outside the upstairs apartment, but you really don’t have to Jack.”

“I insist. Now go say goodbye to Bitty. Although, you’ll be seeing him pretty soon, eh?” Jack smiled at crooked little grin.

“Yes, I will be.” Suzanne smiled and let Jack help her.

* * *

“So, how’s Junior?” Richard asked.

She brought him the finalized divorce papers, looked over by both their lawyers, and a key lime pie. His favorite.

“He doing well.” Suzanne smiled as she cut him a large slice of pie. It was good that he asked after his son. Their relationship as husband and wife might be over but she was clinging to the hope that Eric could have a healthy and loving relationship with his Father. “The bakery is such a success, you’d be so proud. And he’s found a pick up hockey team that he plays with a couple times a month.”

“Well that’s good.” He poured them two glasses of milk. They sat at the dining room table that Suzanne spent years putting meals on but that Richard will keep. She wasn’t upset about it, not really, there wasn’t space for it in her apartment. “And thanks for the pie, Suzie. I’m glad we can be, you know, friendly.”

“Me too.” She bit her lip, debating whether she should pursue topic of Eric even more. “You know, you could just call him. I know things have been rough but you’re his Daddy. He wants to work through things with you. You just have to be willing to listen to him.”

Richard just shook his head. “I don’t know what good that will do either of us.”

“I don’t understand how you can be so hard on him. He’s your  _ son _ .”

“Suzie that’s  _ why  _ I’m hard on him. He should know better. I thought we raised him right.”

“We  _ did  _ raise him right.” Suzanne retorted.

“And that’s where we disagree.” He said, as though that should end their conversation.

“You know… when you met me… I wasn’t so different from Eric.” Suzanne whispered, searching his face for answers she knew wouldn’t get. “I never thought you’d reject him. Especially not for loving someone.”

Richard’s brow wrinkled. “That was completely different. You made some mistakes in college but you came back to God. Junior was talking about love and marriage and making his sin public.”

Suzanne doesn’t know how was able to stand up to her husband all those months ago. It’s like he’s stolen her breath and her words and her courage with just a few words.

“Well. That’s where we disagree.” Suzanne replied shortly. She pushed the manilla envelope towards him. “Sign those and get them to your lawyer as soon as you can. I need to go, I have a lot to do before the move.”

“Oh! Well, alright.” Richard stood, clearly surprised. He walked her to the door and opened it for her. “How about I drop by tomorrow? I’ll return the pie dish and-” 

“Keep it.” Suzanne replied sharply. “Goodbye Richard.”

“Bye Suzie. Take care of yourself up north, okay?”

“I will.” She called back, already opening the door of her car.

“And call me if you need anything, even after you’re in Rhode Island.”

And good God, was the man just going to keep shouting after her all day with the door wide open letting the cool out and who knows what kind of bugs in?

“Don’t wait by the phone.” She told him, and slipped into her car. Then she remembered something and got back out. “And you need to stop forgetting to clean the lint trap in the dryer, it’s a real fire hazard, you know.”

She got in her car, slammed the door and drove away. She wanted it to feel triumphant, like the end of a movie. It just felt wrong. She wanted to throw up and scream and sleep for a million years. When she drove up to Fran’s house she stomped inside and immediately flung herself on her bed and wept.

After a few minutes of deep breathing she calmed down. The evening sun was pouring through the windows, reminding her why this time of day was called “the golden hour.”

Of course, now she thought of a million things she should have said to Richard earlier. Things about love and sin and God and basic human decency. She thought of a few cruel insults as well and eventually decided it’s probably best she didn’t think of those at the time. She absentmindedly twisted her fingers through the ends of her hair. She felt restless and eager to get up and do something. Her to-do list was definitely long enough and surely doing something would distract her from her sadness but she couldn’t figure out how to make her body move. She thought about growing her hair out. She’d always had it long but had cut it short when Eric was born. It was just easier. Now though, she could afford to take an extra fifteen minutes in the morning drying and styling her hair. It would be nice to look a little different. After all, she felt a little different.

A strange feeling came over Suzanne. All her hesitancy, fear, embarrassment and self-control left her. Before she realized what was happening, she was kneeling beside her bed and reaching for the small memory chest her Grandmother had given her on her sweet sixteen. She’d found it covered in a thick layer of dust in her attic when she moved all her things to Fran’s but she hadn’t had the courage to open it. It had been years since she’d looked through it.

Now it was open and she was struck dumb with the smells of forgotten memories. There was a bundle of letters wrapped in twine, she was pretty sure most of them were from her cousin Emma, but she recalled saving a few from Richard and a college sweetheart named Julia. There was the white gown Eric was baptized in and a children’s bible that her Daddy had given her when she was learning to read. There were ticket stubs to movies she couldn’t remember the plots of and lists of old New Year’s resolutions. There were pressed flowers from her wedding in a bright pink envelope. Suzanne crossed the room to her jewellry box where her engagement ring and wedding band had lived for the past three weeks. She placed them in the pink envelope with the flowers, dropped it into the chest and closed it. She could continue down memory lane later. For now, she needed to go through her shoes and decide which ones to pack up for Providence and which ones to donate.


	5. She's Imperfect, But She Tries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tags have been updated. In this chapter, Bitty mentions his past being bullied and refers to himself with the f-slur. It's rather brief, but feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you're worried.
> 
> Title is from "She Used to Be Mine" by Sara Barielles from the musical Waitress (I mean, did y'all really think we'd get through this fic without a Waitress reference?)

Fran pressed a kiss to Suzanne’s forehead. “I love you so much, honey. I’m gonna miss you.”

Suzanne felt tears roll down her cheeks. “I’ll miss you too. Lord, maybe I’m making a bad decision.”

“Nonsense.” Fran snorted. “In all the years I’ve known you, this is the first time you’re doing something for yourself. That alone is amazing and right and good. And I’ll come to visit you, your Mother has already called me about making the trip together - she says she hates travelling by herself.”

Suzanne sniffed and pulled her friend into one more hug. “Well, don’t let her bully you into anything. She’s strong-willed but you can say no to her. But I’m definitely looking forward to your visits.”

“And we’ll text and call each other and skype too.” Fran reassured her. “I’ll ask you about how I should redecorate my house.”

“You’re going to redecorate?” Suzanne was shocked.

“No.” Fran laughed. “But don’t think I didn’t notice that I’m suddenly getting  _ Better Homes and Gardens _ in the mail.”

Suzanne felt her cheeks flush a little. She honestly had no idea what she would do with Fran. When Suzanne told her that she was moving to Providence, Fran had immediately sat down and made plans for the two of them to rent a Uhaul and drive up to Rhode Island together in her bright yellow truck.

“You know you’re my best friend.” Suzanne whispered.

“I know, sweetie.” Fran replied. “Now I better get going before you make  _ me  _ cry. I’ve got a long trip back. Now where’s Eric and his strapping young man?”

Eric and Jack were inside the bakery, giving the two women a little privacy as they said their goodbyes. Fran waved for them to come outside and pulled Eric into a huge hug.

“Oh Di- Bitty. Take good care of your Mama, okay?” Fran instructed. “She’s not as invinceable as she’d like us to believe.”

“Of course.” Eric grinned. “You got all the pies we made you?”

“I think I’m stocked up for a couple days.” Fran joked then turned to Jack. “And you! Good luck with the hockey.”

“Thank you.” Jack nodded seriously.

“Alright, y’all. I’m off.” She pressed a final, smacking kiss to Suzanne’s cheek. “Don’t forget, text that George you kept talking about. You need to make friends up here.”

“I - uh- I will.” Suzanne stuttered.

Fran smiled and waved as she drove away and Suzanne wondered if she was as good at keeping secrets as she always thought she was.

 

* * *

“Suzanne! Over here.” George waved her over to a table where she sat with three other women.

Feeling nervous, Suzanne smoothed her hands over her skirt a little obsessively as she walked over. “Hi y’all.”

“Y’all? You were right, Georgie, she  _ is _ southern.” Said a dark haired woman with an accent that sounded Mexican.

“Be nice, Laura.” George rolled her eyes. “Suzanne this is Laura, Rebecca and Jamie. Take a seat, I’ll get you a drink, what would you like?”

“Oh just a gin and tonic, thanks.” Suzanne watched helplessly as George stood up and walked over to the bar, leaving her alone with three strangers. She took a seat next to Jamie.

“It’s nice to meet y’all. How do y’all know George?”

“We played hockey together in college.” Jamie, who looked to be the youngest of the group, replied. “I’m a physical therapist now and I do a lot of work with the NWHL girls, especially in the Boston area - Go Pride!”

“Georgie and I grew up together. We went to the same schools all through highschool.” Rebecca adjusted her glasses. “Suzanne, you’re not an athlete too are you? I don’t know if I could handle being friends with another jock.”

“No.” Suzanne shook her head. “That’s my son, Eric. I’m afraid I’m not competitive at all and attending spin class is as active as I get these days.”

“Eric, yes!” Jamie exclaimed. “We play hockey on the same rec team. God, he’s fast. Isn’t he, like, best friends with Jack Zimmermann?”

“Oh, yes.” Suzanne nods and keeps her tone casual. “They were teammates in college. I’m glad Eric decided to move to Providence, he already had Jack here as a friend. A mom never likes to think about her kid being lonely.”

“Yeah, don’t he and Zimmboni live together?” Laura asked.

George arrived at the table, holding two drinks. “Hey! No talking about work during our night out. And Zimmermann, as much as I love the guy, is  _ work.  _ Rebecca, how’s Space Helmet doing? Recovering from surgery well?”

George sat next to Suzanne and leaned towards her. “Space Helmet is Bec’s cat. Weird name, right? And here’s your drink.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Suzanne took a sip of her gin and relaxed in her seat. She was happy to just observe the group around her and get to know these ladies better.

She had only seen George wearing suits before, she was always on her way to or from work when she stopped by the bakery. Tonight she was dressed in simple jeans that flattered her figure and a t-shirt that read “My book club can out-read your book club.” Suzanne hadn’t pegged her for the type to wear dorky t-shirts but it looked cute on her. Her hair was curly today, kinky ringlets that bounced as she laughed with her friends. Suzanne resisted the urge to tug on them to watch them  _ boing  _ back into place.

They talked about pets for a little while, Rebecca tried to convince her to foster a cat from the local shelter but Suzanne wasn’t sure how Shiloh would feel about that. Cat dander was nearly impossible to get rid of and Suzanne wasn’t planning on staying in that apartment forever. Laura was looking to buy a house and passed around her phone, showing off photos of her favorite places so far and they discussed the pros and cons of each place at length. 

When Suzanne went to the bar to get another drink, George caught up with her on her way back from the bathroom.

“Are you having an alright time?” George asked.

She nodded. “They’re all very nice. Do you get together often?”

“Not as often as we’d like.” George shrugged. “You know how it is. Sometimes there’s more of us, Jamie’s wife or Becca’s sister might tag along. I’ll keep you updated whenever we’re doing something though. And I’ll make sure you get the girls’ numbers.”

“I really appreciate that. You’ve been so welcoming to me and you didn’t have to be.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to.”

Suzanne bit her lip to keep from grinning too widely. George was a lovely, kind woman and way out of her league. She could have any woman she wanted. When they got back to the table, Jamie was talking about donations for something.

“Oh Suzanne, you should talk to Bitty about this.” Jamie said. “Every year we hold an LGBT+ Family Carnival, all the proceeds go to initiatives to help homeless and underprivileged LGBT+ youth in Rhode Island. It’s not until the end of the summer, but we need to get everything squared away as early as possible.”

“Oh that sounds excellent. I’m sure you can count on us.” Suzanne smiled, it was nice, being included, being needed and knowing that there was something on the horizon to look forward to. 

“Awesome! I always organize the pony rides with my Uncle.” Laura explained. “It’s a fundraiser, but the whole thing is also, like, a big party for the community. It’s awesome and allies are totally welcome, especially if they’ve got gay or trans family members.”

Suzanne nodded. “That’s nice. I’m bisexual by the way.”

“Oh, cool, me too. Sorry for assuming.” Laura replied without missing a beat.

Suzanne hid her smile behind her glass as she took a long drink. One of the first things Suzanne had learned after coming out as bi as a teenager was that coming out wasn’t a one time thing. It was a continuous, sometimes arduous process. Over the years she had just… stopped doing it. It seemed easier. It had been years since she’d come out to anyone and there were still those nervous butterflies shaking up her stomach at the thought of how vulnerable she’d just made herself to this group of women. And there was still that uncontrollable giddiness lighting her up from the inside at a coming out gone well. 

When the evening drew to a close, George and Suzanne walked out to their cars together.

“Thanks again, for inviting me.” Suzanne wrapped her arms around herself, trying in vain to ward off the cold.

“Thanks for coming.” George replied, tugging on a rather fancy looking leather jacket. “You’ll text me when you get home safe, right?”

“Of course.” Suzanne loitered outside her car, watching George unlock her SUV. She couldn’t think of anything sensible to say to make their conversation last longer, to make George stay in this freezing parking lot for just a few minutes more. “George!”

“Yes?”

“Don’t… Eric doesn’t know.” Suzanne said, looking at her feet. “He doesn’t know about my sexuality and that’s… not really something I want him learning from someone else.”

She looked up and George was nodding. “I’ll be discreet. Are you having trouble thinking of how to tell him?”

“I’m not sure if I even  _ want  _ to tell him. Does that make me a bad mother?”

George walked over and placed her hands on Suzanne’s shoulders. “I don’t think so. I have no idea what you should do but I know that you love your son and he loves you. I think you’ll do what’s best and I think it will all turn out right in the end.”

“You’re sweet.”

“Not as sweet as that cherry pie you made me. Thank you again for that, by the way.”

“I’m glad you liked it.”

They were standing close enough that Suzanne could feel George’s warm breath on her forehead. George hugged her. It was so quick and sudden that Suzanne almost missed it, only realizing what had happened when George was getting into her car, waving goodbye.

“Good luck, Suzanne. And get home safe.”

Suzanne drove home with the windows down, singing loudly along to the radio.. She didn’t feel cold at all.

* * *

Suzanne’s internet history was filled with searches about coming out to your children and not a single one had been helpful. She knew she didn’t have anything to worry about, not really. It’s not like Eric would reject or not understand her - Jack was bisexual and she knew he was well educated in the broad spectrum of orientations. But she couldn’t help but feel a tightness in her throat whenever she attempted to talk about it.

She knew she didn’t  _ have  _ to come out but they had promised not to keep secrets from each other anymore. And they were both adults now, navigating this new type of parent/child relationship and this new reality of a two person family was a learning process. Suzanne didn’t claim to have all the answers but she knew, deep down, coming out to Eric was the right thing for her to do. That didn’t stop her from being scared as hell.

“My brother’s here to pick me up.” Shiloh called out, wheeling out of their office and around to the front of the shop. “I’ll see you two tomorrow, alright?”

“See you, honey!” Eric waved, taking a break from sweeping the floor.

“Have a good evening.” Suzanne replied, locking up the register for the night. “You almost done there Eric?”

“Yep.” Eric replied. “My, we’re getting fast at closing up. We make a great team.”

Suzanne nodded and cleared her throat. “Um, sweetie. I - uh.” She cleared her throat again.

“You okay, Mama?”

Suzanne nodded again and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes, not being able to see Eric somehow made this easier. “Honey, I got something to tell you. About me. It’s… well. I don’t really know how to say it so I guess I’ll just say it. Baby, I’m bisexual. I love men and women.”

The silence reminded her eerily of that evening, months ago, when Eric came out. How his words had shattered their world. She opened her eyes slowly, not knowing what she was going to face.

Eric was smiling warmly at her. “Oh, Mama.”

He abandoned his broom and dust pan to wrap her up in a tight hug. “Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it can be, talking about it. But I’m so proud of you. I love you.”

Suzanne had never remembered ever being speechless before. She was a talker. But right now all she could say was. “Oh. Okay.” 

“My, my, my.” Eric pulled away from the hug and looked her over, curiously. “This is a surprise. Guess we’re more alike than we thought.”

He laughed and she laughed along with him. It wasn’t really that funny but their laughter seemed to break the spell and Suzanne shook her shoulders, feeling light and free.

“So, yes. I am bisexual. Oh it feels funny to say it, but in a good way.” Suzanne grinned. “Thank you, for being so sweet about this. Are… are you really okay with it? I’d understand if you weren’t.”

“Well it’s certainly unexpected and it’ll take me a little while just to adjust to the idea, but I love you Mama. That hasn’t changed one bit.”

“I love you too, baby.” Suzanne squeezed him tightly once more before turning back to the cash register.

“So if you don’t mind my asking, when did you know?” Eric asked as he continued to sweep the floor.

“I think I always kind of knew.” Suzanne replied. “I knew I liked girls and boys as far back as I can remember. But I didn’t really realize all that that entailed until I was about sixteen I think.”

“Sixteen?” Eric sounded shocked.

Suzanne nodded. “We didn’t have the internet back then but I slowly figured it out. I didn’t come out the first time until college though.”

“What do you mean? You, like, told your best friend?” He chuckled hollowly. “You weren’t, like,  _ out  _ out.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, did you accept yourself way back then? Did you tell all kinds of people? Did you… did you date girls?”

The happy butterflies in Suzanne’s stomach seem to congeal heavy weight pressing against her ribcage. “Yes. I mean, the college I went to was pretty liberal, for the time. You knew that. Before I met your Daddy I had a couple girlfriends, yes.”

“So what, you just got married and went back into the closet, never to speak of your queerness ever again? Not even to your gay son?!”

Eric’s voice was shaking and so were Suzanne’s hands. “I - I suppose that’s what happened, yes. But Dicky, remember, I never knew you were gay. I… I ignored that part of you, remember? I’m sorry.”

His eyes welled up and when he spoke it was in a rough whisper. “When I was 12 years old, you picked me up from skating practice and I told you… I told you that the kids at school were calling me a faggot. And you just said… you said ‘But you’re not, Dicky.’”

“I didn’t know.” Suzanne repeated, feeling helpless. She didn’t remember that day, but it rang true. All those years her son was persecuted and she just told him to rise above it, to remember that he wasn’t all those things they said he was - not stupid, not a girl, not weak, not gay.

“You didn’t even think to tell me, just once, that even if I was, it wouldn’t matter. That I was good and loveable even if I was a faggot?”

Suzanne flinched. “Please, don’t call yourself that.”

“I’ll call myself what I like.” Eric snapped. “You knew this whole time that you were bisexual, and you just happily went along with everything Coach believed, everything those  _ churches  _ believed and you dragged me along with you every Sunday like… like…”

Suzanne wrung her hands. “I mean, I wasn’t happy, not really. And I… I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You  _ knew  _ what it was like, to grow up knowing you had this deep, dark, horrible secret.” Eric’s normally sweet brown eyes flashed with anger. Suzanne felt like she was drowning and knew there wasn’t a single thing she was allowed to do to stop it. “It didn’t even occur to you, despite all the evidence, that I might be different, like you? Mama, I  _ hated  _ myself. And you just… let it happen.”

Suzanne swallowed back tears, desperately trying to keep all her hurt inside her. She deserved everything Eric was saying and more and she didn’t deserve to make this about herself.

“I’m sorry.” Eric said eventually, he turned around and swept the rest of his pile into the dustpan. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you but Mama - no, I shouldn’t say anything else. I’m too upset.” 

Suzanne nodded, trying to keep her face blank. “I… I understand that you need time to process this and, maybe we can talk about this more tomorrow?”

Eric scoffed. “I don’t think so. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk about it. Now I just want to finish this up and get home.”

“I’ll finish up!” Suzanne volunteered right away. “You go on home, take some time to think and talk to Jack about it. And yes, let me know if you want to talk more about it, whenever you’re ready.”

Eric nodded, returned the broom and dustpan to the cleaning closet and grabbed his keys. “See you tomorrow, Mama.”

“I love you!” Suzanne called after him, but Eric either didn’t hear or didn’t want to hear.

Standing alone in the middle of the bakery, Suzanne felt tears spill down her cheeks. “Fuck.”

* * *

“Fran, I have no idea what to do, he won’t talk to me.” Suzanne bit her thumbnail as she spoke to her friend over Skype.

“He’s giving you a full out silent treatment?” Fran raised her eyebrows.

“Well, no. He’s still polite, says good morning and good evening. And we talk about the bakery and if I ask him questions he’ll answer but… it’s all stiff.” Honestly, Suzanne might have preferred a proper silent treatment from her son. It would make her feel a little vindicated in how hurt she felt by the whole situation. Instead she just felt guilt and offended and then more guilt for feeling offended.

“Sweetheart, I think you just have to give him time. He’ll come around soon enough and when he does, bring out your best wooden spoon and beat his disrespectful ass.”

“Fran!”

“I’m serious!” Fran insisted. “Well, not really. Spanking your children is bad parenting and Eric’s grown anyway. But he needs to apologize for the things he said to you.”

Suzanne shook her head sadly. “But he was right.”

“Suzanne, he barely listened to you before he started jumping to conclusions. And Eric’s a nice boy but when he wants to say something hurtful, he can be cruel.”

Suzanne picked at her cuticle and pretended not to know what Fran was talking about.

“Listen, I think I can understand where he’s coming from.” Fran soothed. “But when he starts talking to you again, you need to tell him about how much his words and his assumptions hurt you. Suzie, just because you’re his mother doesn’t mean you always take the blame for everything. I think you need to talk  _ honestly  _ with each other and  _ listen  _ to each other before you can properly move on from this.”

Suzanne nodded. “Alright, I - uh - I think I get what you’re saying.”

“Good. You do not deserve to feel inferior for making honest, human mistakes. No one’s perfect.”

* * *

A few days went by and Eric still wasn’t speaking to her. One afternoon, while he was busy kneading bread in the back, Suzanne took a break from register and sat across from Jack. He was in his usual back corner, sipping black coffee and looking at a thick binder full of hockey things.

“Hi Jack, is it okay if I sit here?” She asked hesitantly, wondering if he was upset with her too.

“Of course, Miss Suzie. In fact, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” His voice is kind but she winces anyway. “Hey, don’t look like that. So, um, Bitty told me about your conversation. I hope that’s okay.”

“Yeah, it’s alright. I know you two talk about everything.”

“Yeah.” Jack nods. “I guess, well, first of all. I’m happy you came out.”

“Really?”

“Of course. It shows that you're comfortable and happy here. You feel safe enough to be honest about a part of yourself that you’ve kept hidden for a long time. I’m so happy that your new life of sorts is going so well for you.”

Suzanne feels a lump in her throat. “Thank you Jack.”

“Now about Bitty. He feels hurt. He feels like he had a chance to have a very different childhood.”

“He blames me for not giving him the childhood he deserved.” Suzanne nodded.

Jack sighed heavily. “Listen, I only Bitty’s side of things and even there… well, he doesn’t like talking about his childhood much. But I know things must have been hard for you as well. And I have a feeling you did the best that you could. And Bitty knows it too.”

Suzanne chewed on her lip. “He does? Then why -?”

“Because he’s a proud, stubborn jerk when he wants to be.” Jack replied honestly. “I think you should talk to him. He knows he needs to apologize and that you two need to have a honest conversation but if you initiate it, he won’t feel like he’s giving in.”

Suzanne chuckled a little. “You speaking from experience?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “If I go to him after we’ve had an argument, he’s an angel. But if I don’t, we’d probably never make up. I love him though.”

“Yeah.” Suzanne smiled. “I’m glad he has you.”

Jack smiled broadly. “Well, I’m glad you two are going to make up. My parents are visiting next week and I was hoping the five of us could have dinner together.”

“Oh!” Suzanne’s heart jumps at the thought of dinner with Bad Bob. “That sounds very nice.”

“Swawesome. I’ll let you and Bitty work out the details.”

* * *

Suzanne caught him after closing the next day with a peanut butter and chocolate pie topped with marshmallow fluff, it was his favorite as a kid but she’d only let him have it on special occasions. It did its job of bringing a smile to his face.

They started off with apologies on both ends. There were a lot of “maybe it’s unfair or irrational that I feel this way but this is how I feel,” lots of marshmallow sticky and teardrop wet hugs and lots of quiet listening. Suzanne tried to make a joke about being closeted, trying for a sense of camaraderie, but it fell flat. It seemed like that was still a sore point for Eric and she could respect that. Eric mused that a Mother/Son coming out video would get millions of views on YouTube and Suzanne shut that idea down immediately. While it might be good for the YouTube LGBT+ community, she was not comfortable with the idea of her old neighbors, not to mention thousands of strangers, watching that. They giggled a bit too hard about possible titles for their autobiographies. Suzanne squeezed her son’s hand and felt like something new was being built between them, something strong and joyful and bright.

When midnight rolled around, Suzanne started to push Eric out the door.

“You might be able to stay up till two am and still go to work the next morning, but  _ I’m  _ off to bed.”

“Alright. I love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, baby.” Suzanne hugged him. “And I just want to say again, that I’m sorry.”

Eric waved his hand. “I know and I’m sorry too and we’re both okay. We can just let it go now.”

“No, I’ve got one thing left that I want to say.” Suzanne said firmly. “When you’re a parent, and I hope you will be one day, you know.”

“Mama.” Eric rolled his eyes.

“Something that you learn is that even when you try your best, you can still hurt your children. You don’t mean to and you don’t want to but it happens. And I just want to apologize for all the times I haven’t been a good mother. Do you forgive me?”

There were tears in Eric’s eyes when he hugged her tightly. “Lord, Mama, of course I forgive you. You’re the best Mother I could ever hope for, I hope you know that.”

Suzanne stopped herself before she said ‘well I do now.’

“Alright.” She sniffed. “Enough tears, you go on home so I can get some sleep.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

Rebecca tapped her spoon on the side of her mug until everyone quieted down.

“Alright, first of all, I’d like to thank Suzanne for letting us meet in her son’s beautiful bakery after hours.” She announced. The small group clapped politely and Suzanne smiled. “Second of all,  _ Holding the Man  _ by Timothy Conigrave. Who cried?”

Almost everyone raised their hands and laughed a little.

“I know this was my pick and I’ve read the book before.” Gary said. “But I still sobbed like a baby.”

“I can vouch for that.” TJ, his husband, replied. “I am so grateful for all of the progress we’ve made in HIV treatment.”

There was a hum of agreement around the table.

“Not to mention preventative care. Thank God for PrEP.” Rebecca added.

“It’s amazing what science can do with proper funding.” George said, from her spot next to Suzanne. She was wearing a simple jeans and t-shirt again and had no right to look so beautiful especially in the terrible lighting. 

“You know, I was surprised by how much of their story was similar to my own experience.” Alex, a younger man, said. “I mean, they lived decades ago in Australia and so much of our lives are the same.” 

The alarm on Suzanne’s phone starting to ring. “I’ll be right back, the cookies I baked should be cool enough to eat now.”

“I’ll help.” George volunteered. 

The two women retreated to the kitchen while their friends continued the book discussion.

“So.” George began, once they were alone. “I can’t help but noticed that the atmosphere at the bakery is much friendlier than it was a few days ago.”

Suzanne nodded. “Eric and I talked and we’re okay.”

“I’m glad. So then why weren’t you at Marty’s barbeque last night?”

“What, were you looking for me?”

“Maybe.”

Suzanne smiled wider than she meant to. “Shiloh wanted some help getting the books all sorted for the end of the month. I volunteered to help. Besides, I’d feel like an awkward almost-mother-in-law and nobody likes a mother-in-law.”

“Jack likes you just fine. Besides, the Falconer family is more than just wives and girlfriends. Anyone who’s important to our players or our staff is always welcome.”

Suzanne started arranging the cookies on the tray. “Alright. I’ll make an appearance at the next event.”

“Wonderful.” George smiled. “It’s this weekend, we’re throwing a benefit. If you want someone to go dress shopping with you, I absolutely volunteer my services. Unless you prefer suits. Do you? You know you’d look gorgeous in a-”

Suzanne cut her off. “A benefit? George I can’t. Eric and Jack aren’t out publicly and this sounds like a very public event.”

“Eric’s invited on his own because he works with PR sometimes, you can be his plus one. And Bob and Alicia will be there too along with plenty of other people who don’t even know anything about hockey. This is to support our youth programs, it’s a good cause.”

George was smiling, her eyes alight with mischief. Suzanne felt like she was being pulled in by the undertow. 

“Okay, I’ll be there. And yes, you can help me pick what to wear.”

George’s smile widened and she picked up the cookie tray. “Excellent. Now I can tell my boss that the night will be perfect.”

She left the kitchen with a flip of her hair and Suzanne just stared as she went. She felt her cheeks flush and she went to the sink to splash some cool water on the back of her neck.

“Sweet baby Jesus in heaven.” She muttered to herself as she went to rejoin the book club.


	6. Closer to Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient with me, pals! Guess what? I got a job <3
> 
> Title for this comes from "Up the Ladder" from 'The Get Down'

The dress shop George took her to was completely overwhelming. There were rows upon rows of gowns in every color and fabric imaginable. Suzanne had talked to Eric extensively about the degree of formality that was expected at the event but now Suzanne was doubting everything. What if she showed up looking too gaudy? Like she was some girl from the backwoods of Georgia was trying too hard to fit in with the upper class? These were people that were very important to Jack and thus to Eric - they’d need as much support as possible when they decided to come out. The last thing Suzanne wanted was to be Eric’s embarrassing hick mother. 

George seemed to notice her distress right away. 

“Suzie, look at me.” Suzanne looked and let out a deep exhale when she saw the slightly amused, very caring expression on George’s face. “Let’s narrow it down right away. What color dress would you like?”

“Uh… blue?” Suzanne replied thinking about the Falconer’s team colors. “Is that okay?”

“Perfect. We’ll ignore everything that isn’t blue and if we can’t find the perfect blue dress, then we’ll move on. But we can just take it one color at a time.”

Suzanne felt her nerves dissipate as she centered herself on George’s confidence.They browsed the racks, giggling at the ridiculous styles and patterns that made them question the future of fashion. Suzanne found a couple nice gowns and gave them to the attendant who set her up with a dressing room.

When Suzanne entered the dressing room, she looked at what she had collected. There were three navy dresses and one periwinkle. All but one had sleeves that covered her shoulders and most of them were a simple, grecian wrap style that went to the floor. She told herself that it was exactly what she wanted.

George gave feedback on every dress Suzanne showed her but by the fourth one, she was frowning slightly.

“They’re all quite similar. Is this really the style you want?”

Suzanne tugged at the cinched waist, wondering if it hid her muffin-top well enough. “I think so. I mean, it’s elegant right? Modest. Not too flashy. I don’t want to stand out.”

“I can understand that.” George replied slowly then turned to the attendant. “What do you think of the dress?”

“It is elegant, but it’s very simple.” He replied, looking her up and down. “Unless you’re planning on wearing stunning accessories, I’d worry about your fading into the background completely.” He held up a hand when Suzanne opened her mouth to protest. “You can stand out for being too flashy but you can also stand out for being too plain.”

Suzanne frowned at George. “Do you think I look plain?”

“I would  _ never  _ say that.” George replied. “But it’s a very… safe dress. You’re allowed to show off your fun side.”

“Easy for you to say.” Suzanne rolled her eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“George you’re young and beautiful. I’m a mother and my baby is all grown up. I’m kind of past ‘showing off my fun side.’ I’m well into the stage where I should be more, you know, conservative.”

Suzanne met George’s eyes in the mirror. She looked annoyed but when she spoke her voice was as kind as always.

“Babe. You’ve heard of Beyonce right?”

Suzanne snorted. “Have you met my son?”

“She’s a mother and she’s not young either. But she still owns her beauty, her individuality, her sexuality.” George placed a hand on her bare arm. “You should wear something that makes you feel like a queen, not a background character.”

Suzanne felt herself blush. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say but what came out was, “Did you call me babe?”

George smirked. “Is that okay?”

“Yes.” Suzanne held her head high. George was right, she knew. But there was something a little scary about actually  _ trying  _ to look beautiful. If she played it safe, she knew where she stood but if she went out of her comfort zone there was a chance things wouldn’t work out. George’s hand on her arm and the way she was looking at her made Suzanne feel brave.

“Will you unzip me please?” She asked. “I’m going to change back into my clothes and pick out some new dresses.”

“Sure thing, babe.” George beamed.

The next batch of dresses Suzanne picked were more varied. Several of them were just plain bad choices - the cuts weren’t flattering at all and she and George had a nice time giggling about slits that went up too high or necklines that plunged too deep.

It was more fun than she’d remembered having in a long time. 

A few of the dresses took Suzanne’s breath away - they were lovely but she couldn’t help but feel like they were  _ too  _ lovely. Like she didn’t deserve the looks George was sending her way.

Finally she settled on a gown with a simple navy bodice, the skirt was floral with a watercolor effect and a white background. When Suzanne turned in the mirror she felt butterflies in her stomach.

“I love it!” 

“Me too.” George agreed. “You look gorgeous.”

“Is this the one?” the attendant asked.

“Yeah, I think so.” Suzanne grinned. “Now what are you thinking of getting, George?”

“Oh I already have something.” George waved dismissively. “I don’t buy a new outfit for every event, I’d go bankrupt.”

Suzanne blinked. “Oh. Well you didn’t have to sacrifice your whole afternoon dress shopping just for me.”

“It wasn’t a sacrifice. I wanted to come.”

Suzanne thanked her and thought about what she could bake George to show her gratitude.

* * *

Suzanne asked Laura to come over before the benefit to help her with her hair. She had gotten a trim the day before but it was still longer than it had been since Eric was born. She honestly had no idea what to do with it. Laura came armed with dry shampoo, hair spray, bobby pins and lots of gossip.

Eric knocked on the door of the apartment four times before Laura finally let him inside. 

“Oh, Bitty. Don’t you look handsome.” Laura greeted. “Now prepare to have your socks knocked off!”

Eric looked around Laura and his eyes widened almost comically when he saw Suzanne.

“Oh Mama! You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Suzanne blushed. “You look very handsome, baby. And you wore that pink tie!”

“Well you asked me to and I like how we’ll compliment each other.”

“You won’t mind matching your old Mother?”

“Mama you are not old.” Eric scoffed. “No one will think that tonight, believe me. Oh, George did such a nice job helping you pick out your dress and your hair… wow!”

Suzanne had a feeling that Eric was laying it on a little thick on purpose. She didn’t mind one bit.

“You’re the best, Lau.” Suzanne pressed a light kiss to her friend’s cheek. “Don’t forget the box of cookies I made for you. They’re on the counter.”

“We should be going, Mama.” Eric glanced at his phone. “We might still make it on time.”

“Sorry I made you wait.” Suzanne took one last look at herself in the mirror by the door. 

“It’s alright.” Eric replied. “I figure it’s my one opportunity to wait on a nice lady that I’m taking to dinner.”

They had to walk down the narrow steps one by one, but once they got to the street, Eric offered her his arm and Suzanne took it gladly. 

The benefit began with a lovely dinner. Suzanne and Eric were at a table with Jack, Bob, Alicia, Marty, Gabby and George - all people she knew well enough to consider friends. Still, her leapt in her chest a little when Alicia and Bob greeted her with hugs and kisses. It was a funny thing being so close to two people she had idolized for years, knowing that they were basically family and knowing things like Alicia had terrible insomnia and Bob chewed his fingernails. 

They kept the conversation to light topics, knowing the room was filled with all sorts of people. However Bob kept leaning close to his son and telling him things in jovial French. Jack’s replies often made Eric shake his head and sigh with exasperation.

“Bobby, Jack. You two need to behave.” Alicia reprimanded. “Suzanne, how are you liking Rhode Island? Are you ready for the winter?”

“Nooo!” Eric answered for her. “It’s still summer. Winter is a long way off, let us enjoy the heat and humidity while we can.”

George has to leave the table several times, running around with her phone in one hand and a folder in the other. Suzanne was under the impression that as the assistant GM, most of her duties related directly to hockey. But it seemed like George was more or less running the show tonight.

After dinner was cleared away the silent auction was announced. Eric smiled proudly when his contribution of pies and a personal baking lesson was announced. There were few speeches about the charitable work the Falconers do. Jack gave a lovely speech about You Can Play and the field days he’s done with other athletes for transgender and gender nonconforming youth throughout New England. Eric did his best baseball whistle when Jack finishes and Jack grinned widely.

“Dance with me?” Eric asked, holding a hand out to her.

“You don’t have to babysit me, you know.” Suzanne replied kindly.

“Oh please Mama, dancing with you is far more enjoyable than mingling with Jack.” He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. “These events are nice but after awhile they all kind of run together. The same snooty rich people bragging about how much they’re donating, the same local celebrities making appearances even though they’d rather be at home in their pajamas and the same hockey players and family members that I see all the time anyway.”

Suzanne chuckled. “Well, don’t you just sound like a regular old WAG.”

The band was playing a nice jazzy type of song that made a good background for conversation or dancing. Eric led her confidently and Suzanne remembered teaching him how to waltz using the square tiles of their kitchen as guides.

Suzanne hummed thoughtfully. “We need to come up with a better acronym… Spouses and Dates just sounds SAD though, don’t you think?”

Eric blinked, surprised then laughed loudly. “Mama, good Lord, that’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It was a good pun wasn’t it?” She grinned.

“It was awful. I should report you to the pun police.”

They danced in silence for a few moments before Eric broke the silence.

“Seriously though. There’s just something so awful about being first, you know? If we were second, I don’t think either of us would have a doubt... but all that  _ pressure _ .”

Suzanne squeezed his hand. “I know, baby. You’ll know when the time is right though. And you have so many people who love you and will support you through the bad times.”

“I know.”

They made their way back to the table and joined Alicia and Gabby’s conversation about the newest Bond flick that was coming out in a couple weeks. Suzanne felt a little bit like she was the popular girl in highschool. Bob, Jack and Tater all insisted that she dance with them and while she suspected Eric had told them to she didn’t mind. It kept her busy enough that her mind didn’t get caught up in anxieties about not belonging. Although Tater did use their dance as an opportunity to try and get information about how her sister made jam. Suzanne left him on the dance floor and tried not to laugh when she accepted his apology later.

Towards the end of the night she felt a warm hand on her elbow. “Are you up for another dance?”

George was smiling at her mischievously and Suzanne cast a look around the room. The local bishop was talking to George’s boss, wearing his Roman collar and everything. The majority of the men were wearing identical black suits and had a woman on their arms. Even Jack stuck to his mother’s side while Eric flitted from one friend to another. She hadn’t seen them touch each other all evening. She looked back at George, her dark hair was twisted around her head in a perfect halo and her white suit just added to the ethereal aesthetic.

“Always for you.” Suzanne took her hand and let George lead her to the middle of the dance floor.

“Do you prefer to lead or follow?” George asked.

“I prefer to follow.” Suzanne replied, arranging George’s hand at her waist and placing her hand on the other woman’s shoulder. “I’ve always been that type of girl.”

“Oh really?” George asked, amused. “Please elaborate.”

“Well I’m not very brave.” Suzanne admitted. “If I’m going into uncharted territory, I like to know that someone’s ahead of me. I don’t like being alone.”

“Babe.” George said softly. “You’ve basically started your whole life over. You’re one of the bravest people I know.”

“There’s nothing unique about  midlife crisis.”

“Suzie.” George’s tone was firm. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself. And this is more than a midlife crisis, this is you learning to love yourself, learning to be yourself, recreating yourself for the better. You’re amazing.”

Suzanne felt herself blush and suddenly became hyper aware of the crowd around them - strangers and friends and (somewhere) her son. “Thank you. Um… want to go for a walk? I think I need some air.”

They held hands as they left the hall. A few people were smoking around an ashtray just outside the doors but George led her away from all that. Street lamps illuminated the night with a strange glow, as if the world was trying twice as hard to be real. 

“You know, I’m glad I’m as old as I am.” Suzanne told George.

George just hummed and squeezed her hand, letting her know that she was listening without words.

“I think I’ve finally figured out how to be an adult. Things just come easier the more you do them. I don’t put as much value in reputations and facades. I’m more honest with myself, with the world. I like it.”

“I know what that’s like.” George nodded. “Getting old really isn’t something to be sad about, it’s something to celebrate, to be proud of.”

“Yeah… George, what’s happening between us?”

The words were out and instead of feeling scared or worried or embarrassed, Suzanne felt strong. She felt brave and happy and peaceful. She was holding hands with a beautiful woman and she was fairly certain there were mutual feelings blossoming between them.

“I like you a lot, Suzie.” George turned so they were standing face to face, so close that Suzanne had to stretch her neck to look up at George’s face. “I want to see where this goes.”

“Me too.” Suzanne grinned. “To both.”

George’s fingers brushed along her jaw as she leaned down to press a soft kiss just under Suzanne’s eye. Her lips trailed across her cheek until their lips met and Suzanne sighed softly into the kiss. 

George’s phone beeped loudly and she pulled away with a frown. “I have to go.”

“Okay.” Suzanne thought her face might break with the force of her smile.

“I want to take you to the beach for a day. I want to show you where my parents used to take us for vacation, all the little spots where tourists don’t go.”

“That sounds perfect. Just let me know when.”

George’s phone beeped again and George kissed her again, briefly, before leaving.

Suzanne watched her leave and when she’d gone inside, she indulged herself by spinning around a few times. She giggled quietly to herself and let her skirt flutter in the wind, her hair was coming out of Laura’s carefully crafted up-do but she hardly cared. This was without a doubt one of the best nights she’d had in years. Lord in heaven, she had to call Fran. She had to call her  _ Mother.  _ She had to… well, she probably shouldn’t confide in Eric yet. George was Jack’s boss and it wasn’t like this was official or anything. She didn’t want to make things awkward or complicated unnecessarily. 

Suzanne thought back to George’s words,  _ I want to see where this goes  _ and  _ I want to take you to the beach  _ and  _ Babe. _

Was there a better word in the dictionary than ‘babe’? Probably not.

Suzanne pressed her hands to her warm cheeks and caught her breath. She should probably get back inside and find the ladies’ room.

She got turned around looking for the bathrooms and when she rounded a corner she found Eric and Jack holding each other close and swaying from side to side. They could just barely hear the band playing a slow song in the background. Eric’s eyes were closed and he was smiling gently, Jack leaned down to press his cheek against Eric’s temple. They were quite the picture of love.

Suzanne bit her lip and walked backwards slowly, not wishing to disturb their stolen moment. Eric’s words echoed in her head,  _ There’s just something so awful about being first. _

They were both firsts, she and Eric, in their own ways. She didn’t know of any other queer person in the Phelps or Bittle families, aside from them. She hoped that in the years to come, she could be the Mother that Eric needed and that he deserved. They needed each other’s support and love and honestly, there wasn’t another person in the world than Eric that she’d rather be first with. 

* * *

“Bitty! Bits! Bitty! How many minutes are there in a year?” Holster - Adam, Suzanne remembered - burst into the cafe early one morning, radiant with joy.

The door to the kitchen swung open and Eric came out, wiping his hands on his apron. He had that look about him where she could tell that he was trying to hide his amusement. He was going to make an excellent Dad one day.

“Holster. How is anyone supposed to know how many minutes there are in a year? Ask the group chat, maybe Dex or Ransom will know.”

Holster gasped and Suzanne was glad that their only patrons this morning were regulars who knew by now to expect loud hockey boys.

“You are a disgrace to gays everywhere Bits!” Holster hissed.

Eric raised a single eyebrow, something Suzanne didn’t even know he could do. “And why’s that?”

“ _ Because _ there are ‘Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes! Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear!”

Even the regulars looked up and stared at Holster belting out showtunes. Suzanne sighed and took pity on ridiculous boy.

“‘Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year?’” She sang along. “It’s from RENT, baby.”

Eric crossed his arms. “Unfair. I’m a baking/pop culture/fashion gay. Not a theater gay.”

“Well, I’m surprised Jack hasn’t shown it to you.” Holster took a seat at the counter and Suzanne began to prepare his regular order.

“That jock?” Eric snorted.

“That  _ history  _ gay.” Holster clarified. “RENT is an important piece of history.”

“Ancient history, I’m sure.” Suzanne drawled.

Holster tipped his head apologetically. “Anyway, here’s the point: Allison White, one of my very best friends from highschool is Maureen in Boston all this week. I’ve got six tickets for tonight. Lardo and me are going but Shitty and Ransom have plans. Do you and Jack want two tickets?”

“Slow down, honey.” Eric was already tapping on his phone. “Jack won’t be out of practice for another hour, but I’m sure we’re happy to come. That leaves you with two tickets. I could ask Tater or do you have any work friends who might want to come?”

Holster shook his head. Suzanne placed his coffee and slice of pie in front of him and his eyes lit up. “Thank you. Oh! Miss Suzie, how’d you like to come? You could bring a friend.”

Startled, Suzanne was about to refuse, to say she didn’t know anyone who would want to come to Boston with her and her son’s wild hockey friends, but a thought occurred to her.

“Yes, I would love that. And I know just who’d enjoy the trip.” Suzanne smiled and brought out her phone to text George.

* * *

Jack and George drove separately to the cafe just as they were closing but they decided to consolidate to Jack’s fancy SUV for the ride to Boston.

“You should take shotgun, Miss George.” Eric said, hopping into the back seat. “You two are giant athletes. I think us two shorties will be fine in the back. Jack and I can stand to parted for a couple hours drive.”

“Speak for yourself.” Jack replied, pouting.

Bitty leaned in between the center console to press a kiss to Jack’s cheek. “Happy?”

“Very.” Jack winked in the rearview mirror and drove off. “So Miss Suzie, George, have you ever seen RENT before? I’ve only seen the movie so I’m excited to see how it differs.”

“My cousin was in a high school performance of it.” George replied. “And I’ve seen the movie. I love it so much.”

“I saw the original cast in New York.” Suzanne said lightly, looking out the window.

“Really?” Bitty sounded shocked. “When?”

“Well,” Suzanne replied, smiling slowly “back in ‘89 when it opened Eric.”

Bitty sighed.

“My, uh, friend Julia was really into theater. We were watching the Tony’s together and when she saw Jonathan Larson’s sister accept his awards, she cried for an hour. So we just packed up and drove to NYC. There was no way I was gonna let her go alone. The day we got there we just walked up to the theater and miracle of miracles, there were two tickets left for that evening’s show. Lord, that was a trip.”

“Were, um, were you two seeing each other?” Bitty’s voice only shook a little bit.

Suzanne smiled at him. “Yes. I can’t decide whether I should look her up on Facebook or not.”

“There’s no harm in some light internet stalking.” Eric patted her hand. “Do some recon and then see if you want to send her a friend request.”

“Whatever you say, son.” Suzanne smiled wryly. 

* * *

The play was excellent. Holster’s friend did an excellent Maureen and, as always, Angel made Suzanne cry. She reflected on how much she had connected to this play back in college and how - even though her life was so very different now - it still rung true.

Holster got them backstage to greet the cast and crew, he’d brought flowers for Allison and it was a flurry of photos and compliments and hugs and learning new names and promises to visit Boston again to see their next show, an original work by one of the ensemble members. When they were back on the street, Holster broke into “Love Heals” with Jack providing backup and Lardo chorusing in when she remembered the words. Eric was a mess of laughter and he held Jack’s hand and pressed kisses to his shoulder like he didn’t have a care in the world. She and George walked a little bit behind the young people, sharing amused glances at their antics. Their hands brushing against each other as they walked and Suzanne felt a warm contentedness bubble up inside her. 

When they returned to Providence, Eric and Jack dropped Suzanne and George at the bakery and Suzanne invited George upstairs with a kiss.

“I’ve got a box full of pastries that didn’t turn out right.” She coaxed. “And I can make us some tea.”

George smiled and pulled her in for another kiss. “I should go home. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“If it’s not too early you can stop by the bakery, I’ll have a coffee and bear claw waiting for you.”

“You spoil me.” George shook her head. “Actually, I have to go away.”

Suzanne’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“It’s for work, my flight leaves at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I only just found out today.”

“Oh. How long will you be gone?”

“A few days, a week at most. I’ll keep you posted.”

“You better!” Suzanne let her hands drift down to George’s hips and she squeezed lightly. “I’ll miss you.”

“Oh, I’ll miss you too, babe.”

Suzanne leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss George deeply. George twisted her fingers in the ends of her hair sighing into Suzanne’s mouth and she rewarded the noise by running her hands up George’s sides, across her back and down her sides. Suzanne tried to keep her smile under control so as to better kiss the gorgeous woman in her arms but it was difficult. George giggled quietly against her mouth and kissed the corners of her grin. 

“I like kissing you.” Suzanne admitted.

“How wonderful, I like kissing you too.” George dipped her head to press a line off kisses down her neck and it was Suzanne’s turn to sigh. “This works out rather well, don’t you think?”

In reply, Suzanne cupped George’s jaw with her hands and pulled her up for another kiss. George pulled away after several long moments and leaned her forehead against Suzanne’s, her eyes were still closed and Suzanne took in the sight of her, a little breathless and a lot happy.

“I should go home, I still have to pack.”

Suzanne kissed lightly her once more before gently pushing her away. “Go on. And come back to me soon, you hear?”

“Whatever you say Suzie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo.... I made a terrible mistake. RENT opened in 1996. And Bitty was definitely born by then so Suzanne couldn't have gone to see it with her college girlfriend
> 
> I honestly have no clue what to do about this (nor do I have any clue why I thought RENT opened in '89)
> 
> so, yeah? I guess just go with it (for now at least)?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning on updating this every Friday. I'm queerxtonks.tumblr.com. Leave me a review please (just a string of emojis is fine)? They lift my heart and keep me motivated!


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